In October 2010, President Obama released an anti-bullying message through a video on YouTube in the wake of recent highly publicized suicides by teenagers and young adults who were bullied for their choices in life. Did you know that 13 million children are victims of bullying each year? But the message is more broadly applicable to anyone, adult, teenager or child, who has ever been ridiculed, taunted or “bullied” for looking or being “different”. And just like any other learned bias or prejudice, it begins in the home and takes shape as children and young adults emerge into the world. Bullying has certainly taken its toll on us all as a society…as a culture.
Were you a bully or were you bullied as a child? A bully is a fear-filled person. It is someone who is unable to contain or transform deep within the soul, and sometimes it results in long term fear or grief. A bully acts out because he or she has a need to release the tension that the fear or pain creates. In order to release that inner tension, a bully needs to find someone - a target or a victim who is usually perceived as a weaker person.
The release of tension by the bully is swift if the target of bullying is quickly subjected to ridicule or even physical harm. That is, if the bully perceives that the target succumbs or if the target is broken in spirit or hurt enough for the fear and pain in the bully to subside, then the bully feels that he or she has achieved the goal, albeit an ill-conceived goal.
When the target fights back and tries to prevent the harm or destruction, the bully may become violent. The bully may beat or even go so far as to cause fatal destruction to the target.
In our culture today, a bully sees “obvious” targets. Remember that a bully is born of fear and grief. Ethnic discrimination, sexual preference discrimination, poverty, appearance, weight, size and even poor grades or poor performance can be a reason for bullying. But this doesn’t mean that we don’t go out into the world confident of whomever we are or should be scared of our preferences and choices in life or what physical qualities we were born with.
To survive, a bully only needs someone to stand and take the abuse. The moment that happens, the tension-based fear is released and the bully moves on - until a new inner fear or grief mounts. The bully’s satisfaction of the release of that tension-based fear doesn’t make the act right. Without therapy or counseling, the bully does not know that treatment can show him or her a less destructive path.
Unfortunately, a bully, in some parts of our culture, can be viewed as a hero. If the culture based beliefs condone the bullying of an ethnic group or sexual group or any other easily targeted group, then that culture will rally around the bully. When this happens at a political/social level and especially at a governmental level, a dictatorship can result. A dictator is a natural bully.
Bullies are sometimes, in the moment at least, unhinged. Their fear may rise and push against any compassion so that the bully cannot stop himself or herself. The high emotion can then carry over into physical abuse and even death.
How do small acts help prevent bullying? A compassionate person will not aid or support or passively condone a bully. The problem is that even compassionate people can become dominated by a bully. It can happen in a crowd. It can happen in a family. It can happen in an office. In a school. Or even on the street. It can happen if we continue to let it happen.
Next time you see a homeless person, a poor person, someone of color, physically handicapped person, an older person, or you meet someone who has opted for choices in life different from yours, remember that a fear turned into abuse can harm with ripple effects in our society. Instead, let your fear or doubt be conscious. Do not act on that fear. Do not let it overwhelm you. Instead, embrace the differences as a positive aspect of creating a diverse culture and society. Consider looking at that other person as an aspect of yourself. In the end, we are all human.
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