This month I thought I’d share some information with you on the subject of abandonment among individuals and within families. Abandonment can take the form not only of physical abandonment (which we commonly see more often), but also of emotional abandonment and it is a deepening trend I have seen in both in the U.S. and in Costa Rica where I do my work.
Abandonment or a sense of alienation occurs when a child, for many reasons, is not welcomed or is incompletely received by parents into life.
This doesn’t mean that the child is necessarily unwanted or not physically cared for, though in some cases that may be true. In the families I work with, it is more that the child is not noticed at a heart level and deeper, at a soul level.
The birth of a child is a chance for a mother especially to receive a being, a nature, which we sometimes call “soul”, into her arms and into life. The father, often close by, may later in life, past weaning and physical mobility, take over and even understand and relate much better to the true self of the child. Still, it is the mother at the beginning who is asked by nature and the hope for a thriving life to look into the eyes of her newborn and see grace...see essence.
A child not interacted with in this sense develops a false self or a persona that he or she hopes will be pleasing to the awkward, cold or sometimes abusive parent(s). That persona is a mask that pretends emotions and attitudes that are not part of who the child is at a true and natural level. For instance, a child with a warm, feeling nature may become reclusive or even distant, rebellious or self destructive. A child with a thinking nature may withdraw into an imaginary life while pleasing a needy or unseeing parent(s) with good grades.
A wise woman once said to me, “follow the path the nature of the child sets. Stay close, stay protective, stay nurturing, stay constant and stay out of the way of the feet of that child, the intention of the child, the will of the child.”
Abandonment and, even worse, alienation, can lead to addiction which can take many forms. Addiction is not always evidenced by the consumption of drugs and alcohol. It can take the form of overachieving, greed for success and money or the acquiring of many lovers and few friends.
A child will give a parent every chance he or she can. A child believes until puberty that there is a chance or hope that a parent will see and understand, will hold and open up, will give up control and replace that with encouragement, or will let go of criticism and give help, will become a mentor and guide. A child knows, without knowing, that survival and the psychological, spiritual survival of the self depends on a good parent who loves and supports the steps the child takes into its future.
Abandonment happens because a parent is unable to reach out and open up to a child. Most parents want to. Some do not know how. Many are abandoned themselves by circumstance and habit or what can be called patterns handed down by families through generations. Some are workaholics and themselves addicted. Some are abusive. Some are cold. Some have created a wall around themselves with a small opening too narrow for anyone else to walk through with them.
It is the hope of the child that the parent can love. It is also the hope (often unconscious) that the child will and can respond and thrive. When the child thrives, the parent thrives.
When I work with a client who has a new child or is having trouble communicating and interacting with his or her child, I tell him or her…
Hold your child on your lap. Look often into your child’s eyes during conversation. Tell your child stories. Listen to the stories your child tells you. Sense and watch the creative spark that indicates the nature of your child. Does your child hear music in everyday sounds? Does your child see color and line and reproduce images with pencil and color? Follow the imagination of your child. Teach and follow the path your child indicates. Listen. Listen. Always watch. Celebrate each step and lead sometimes. Take your child’s hand and show them the flight of a bird or the way the river runs and deepens. Take them into nature. Read them the comics on Sunday. Show them that there is Spirit in whatever form you believe in. Teach them that they are part of the four elements of earth, air, water and fire.
When I uncover an abandonment issue with a client, I do a lot of deep therapy to enable the child to create a “parent” so that he or she can “parent” themselves. I teach him or her the same method I teach the clients who are parents.
Above all, treasure each moment and be glad of the sacrifice in time and energy. It is worth it and more worth it with the passing of time. A child on your lap today is the child who will hold you on their lap someday. Abandonment of a child creates the abandonment of the aged. The circle of life asks us to embrace step curve from birth to death, to embrace is not to abandon.
When I work with a client who has a new child or is having trouble communicating and interacting with his or her child, I tell him or her…
Hold your child on your lap. Look often into your child’s eyes during conversation. Tell your child stories. Listen to the stories your child tells you. Sense and watch the creative spark that indicates the nature of your child. Does your child hear music in everyday sounds? Does your child see color and line and reproduce images with pencil and color? Follow the imagination of your child. Teach and follow the path your child indicates. Listen. Listen. Always watch. Celebrate each step and lead sometimes. Take your child’s hand and show them the flight of a bird or the way the river runs and deepens. Take them into nature. Read them the comics on Sunday. Show them that there is Spirit in whatever form you believe in. Teach them that they are part of the four elements of earth, air, water and fire.
When I uncover an abandonment issue with a client, I do a lot of deep therapy to enable the child to create a “parent” so that he or she can “parent” themselves. I teach him or her the same method I teach the clients who are parents.
Above all, treasure each moment and be glad of the sacrifice in time and energy. It is worth it and more worth it with the passing of time. A child on your lap today is the child who will hold you on their lap someday. Abandonment of a child creates the abandonment of the aged. The circle of life asks us to embrace step curve from birth to death, to embrace is not to abandon.
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