The Orphan

Every November in the U.S. we celebrate Thanksgiving, a time that we typically associate with family members coming together for a feast to give thanks for what we have, and to share with and remember those who have less. This year, let me share with you a state of being I see often in the people I work with. It is called the Orphan. You may remember certain characters in classic American literature such as Little Orphan Annie, Huckleberry Finn or Oliver Twist, and you likely also remember the recently passed Steve Jobs, founder of Apple. They all share a common characteristic about them. They were abandoned (“orphaned”) at some physical (and/or emotional) level by their parent(s) at a very young age. Orphans may also be actual children who are currently being abandoned at a level that triggers a primal cue about the need to survive alone.

The reasons for that abandonment and how these orphans became orphans are many - drug and alcohol abuse by the birth parents, poverty, a death, divorce or mental impairment. Abuse that is severe enough or constant, is experienced as abandonment by the child. Abandonment occurs when a parental figure is so preoccupied with himself or herself that the child is not nourished or oftentimes seen (or known) at all. The child receives a primal cue very early in life that he or she is not safe or protected in this world.

The child struggles to find himself or herself in the place where safety outside of the self has lessened or disappeared altogether. Fear and pain are present and need to be absorbed and changed into growth. That is the great challenge.

Each child needs an adult. If no one is present or the person(s) who are present (i.e. the birth parents) are inadequate at a deep nurturing level, the child reaches within. It is in that inner place, not named or perhaps consciously known, that the child does or does not find the strength to thrive.

Survival becomes the issue and answer to the primal cue received of the lack of safety and protection. The capacity to love oneself must be considered. The capacity to use whatever natural, inherited, genetic abilities latent at the core are used. The child needs guidance, and that guidance has to come from within, i.e. all of this happens unconsciously. The child reaches out for a teacher, a mentor, a guide - to anyone who can hold the thread. The child pulls on that thread and unwinds it, bringing it to the self. If the child is lucky, there is someone who responds. If not, and the child is able at the core, that “someone” has to come from within.

It is the core energy or force within the child that makes the difference. If the child has the capacity and that capacity is experienced, then there is hope. For the Orphan, there always needs to be hope. Hope is a state of mind and heart. It is energy that gives the child the ability to continue. That hope is born out of relationship and spirit. If the relationship is weak, the child turns to spirit. Spirit comes from within the child. Spirit is experienced and seen as energy. That energy moves the child along through life and creates in others a response so that the child is seen as attractive, welcoming, strong, able, loving, warm. Others then come close.

The Orphan reaches out. At the same time, the Orphan holds to the core. Trust is earned only after much time and always, the Orphan relies on self. The ability to rely on another is rare and easily pulled back.

The Orphan is seen as independent, capable and able to help others. That is true if the core self is strong enough. A strong core determines whether or not or how well the Orphan survives.

There are many well-known leaders, scientists, artists and writers who are orphans – we know of them because they learned to survive and thrive on their own in the world without the safety and protection that those with positive parental guidance and nourishment received. What most of us do not know is that they were orphans. Research studies over the the last 30-40 years on these orphans have discovered a link to genius based on receiving that primal cue early in life.

A client I have been working with exclaims happily, “Orphans Rule!” By that she means orphans continue in a strong and powerful life in spite of loss. They survive hardship at the basic child level. They know that within themselves there is a force that feeds them, that informs them, that is who they are. Yes, they wish or dream of parental support. They sometimes create mythical parents. They attach to surrogate parents. They listen to parental voices unheard outside dreams.

The Orphan is often highly creative. The creative is an expression of their core. Of their independence. Of their aloneness. They know that all relating is temporary though lovely, though wanted, though divine.

Their first and strong bond is with the self, out of the self and from that spot they can love and create and thrive, if they are lucky and if there is hope.

So this Thanksgiving, let us be thankful for The Orphans, those in this world who learned to thrive despite their circumstances and made this world richer with experience, creativity, genius and innovation for the rest of us.

Recognizing the Symptom of Anxiety

This time, I would like to introduce anxiety with panic as a more extreme form of the same.

We all feel anxious from time to time. Some of us are anxious on a regular basis. Though we are uncomfortable and know something is wrong, we often do not ask ourselves what anxiety is. We often feel anxiety as a tension in our body. We may have a headache or a tight feeling in our chest.

What we are really experiencing is a tension between two opposites. We want one thing or to take a certain action or see an idea through or surrender to a strong feeling but are uncertain at a deeper level. We are torn between fear and joy or the suppression of pain and a need to forget.

Anxiety is what we feel when we do not know that our unconscious mind is in opposition to our conscious thoughts or actions.  The problem is that we often do not look deeper so we are stuck with a feeling of dread or tension.  When this occurs, it is best to go inward with the help of a professional and see what conflicts with the conscious desire or thought at the deeper level. Once we know, we can make peace with a decision or action.  We can discover our conflicting feelings and/or thoughts by interpreting our dreams, daily meditation, a long walk or swim or any physical activity that might release the true conflict.

Anxiety is a signal. It is a symptom. It is important that we find the cause and open up our consciousness to what we truly want and need and why we cannot let ourselves realize those wants and needs. Guilt or shame or anger can cover our true path. Anxiety tells us we are being untrue to ourselves. The need is to find out how.

Panic is a deeper, more severe, often terrified base for conflict. It is caused by the same pattern of denial as anxiety. It often motivates us to change because of its severity. Anxiety, because it is not so severe, is often a state we allow ourselves to stay in far too long.  Discovery of what it is that holds us back from self knowledge and what causes a state of being stuck and unable to move in one direction or another, is the key.

True Stories: Rising Up Out of Grief

Dear Friends:

I have been working a great deal with grief during this last month and want to share some positive outcomes from that work, to assure any of you who are sad, overpowered by grief and just blue for a day or so, that there is movement in sorrow. 

It is indeed like the old cliche, grief is like a river. It is a river you swim through to reach a new shore, enlightenment, enrichment and to shed old patterns and ways of living. There is no rut or sameness in grief. It hurts. We, you and I suffer and out of that suffering comes newness. 

Grief often begins with a rough current, a shock, a horror, a betrayal, cruelty and even death. All of these experiences create a wrenching, a battering that carries one along until the first shock settles into a heaviness, a stillness and a smoother ride that can still turn into a sudden rapid and a spiral down a waterfall. 

I have been working with two women, one in her forties and the other in her late fifties. Both are wise beyond their life experiences. Both are brilliant and have had much success in their lives. Grief has visited them in different ways yet each woman is willing, often against their frightened selves to stay with their sorrow and see it through. 

Courage is what buoys them up and carries them along. They face each dark day with tears, often after a night of little sleep. They get up, try to move through their day. They have both gained or lost weight. Both have experienced physical illness. Both are lonely within and tired to being sad. 

One has, after months of grieving, turned to Spirit and is writing a program she will share with other women. She wants to give back, out of her grief. She has gained insight and purpose. She is in a creative time wherein she is researching her work and putting it into interviews, on paper, to be published and aired on television. 

She has become a wise woman. She wants to enhance the lives of other women. She is energized now that the worst of her grief has passed. She can see deeper, feel more and give in ways she did not imagine possible before grief visited.

The other woman is living in a dry and desolate landscape. She has lost most of her possessions. She has lost a dear friend, a beloved. She has lost her family. Yet is in a new home that is far removed from her former well appointed place. Yet, this woman gets up and takes care of her dogs and the children of others. She does not complain to those around her yet at night she cries and rails against her fate. Out of that rage and sorrow, she is being reborn with a wonderful courage and sense of fight. She is smart and able and that depth in her in being renewed. She is on the road, literally, toward a new job, a new home, a new relationship to fit her new sense of self. She is a seer. She is wise. She is most of all, what we call a very old soul. She is a survivor. 

Grief can be a pathway to newness. When the worst of it subsides, their is a sigh of relief, yes, but with that sigh comes a sense of fun and joy is deepened. 

As one person I have worked with said as his grief subsided, “the worst has already happened. I am ready for a new day.” 

I send you all courage and hope in the dark times and celebration in the light times.

The two are twins who help us to know and cherish our lives. 

Blessings. 

Mercedes