In the United States, death is often treated with a stoic
although sad attitude. We’re conditioned
to withhold external displays of emotions, and in particular men are chastised
for visible displays of emotion which society deems a “weakness.” For parents, we’re trained to tell a child
that a loved one has gone to “a better place” or heaven or has “passed
on”. In some situations such as
cremation, there is little ceremony or prolonged period of mourning. The focus of this month’s theme is centered
around the experience a child goes through of confronting and coping with a
death in the family.
Initially, the child experiences a void, an empty feeling that is
often filled with fear which can manifest itself later with substance abuse if
not properly addressed at this early stage.
As a society, we are conditioned and taught not tell stories
about the dead. In other cultures
however, such as in the Mexican culture during the Day of the Dead holiday, stories
about the dearly departed are seen more positively as bringing back memories,
experiences and related truths. These
stories also help the living and survivors keep the dead “alive” through
remembered moments.
When a family member dies and then “floats” away, or disappears,
it leaves behind an empty space such that the child begins to fill in a story
that is often fear-based. Children often
speak of ghosts in the closet, monsters under the bed and shadows behind the
door because they are in fear. In these instances, children want to fill in the
emptiness with something and cannot imagine or visualize the actual dead person
because that person has “disappeared”. Instead,
children invent the personage in the form of a being between worlds - hence the
ghost stories and the vague sorrow.
As an alternative, when loss or death of a family member is confronted
and experienced as immediate and real and when it is characterized as something
we can all face with our loved ones beside us, then the fear and the shadows
are gone.
In some cultures, there is an entire ritual surrounding the loss
of a family member. The family washes the body, lays out the body in the living
room for all to visit and say goodbye to and grieves openly with lavish amounts
of tears and many stories. While this ceremonial rite may seem foreign to us in
the United States, it is a practice commonly accepted in some cultures as a
positive way of coping with the loss in ordinary reality. While we may see some
of this practice in the United States, the mourning period is cut short and
“life goes on”. We’re told to “toughen
up” and go on with our lives.
When death is treated as a topic we should not discuss and spend
too much time over, there is a distinct and real correlation between the denial
and a certain inability to engage with others and ultimately has a negative
impact on intimacy and ability to surrender to love and happiness.
In the end, when it seems an open, full fledged grief over a dead
and departed relative would open the flood gates, it actually will relieve fear
and give everyone a chance to experience the truth. It is imperative to take a different
perspective to treat it as an opportunity to survive so that we, ourselves, in
the natural course of things, will continue to thrive.
