Every November in the U.S. we celebrate Thanksgiving, a time that we typically associate with family members coming together for a feast to give thanks for what we have, and to share with and remember those who have less. This year, let me share with you a state of being I see often in the people I work with. It is called the Orphan. You may remember certain characters in classic American literature such as Little Orphan Annie, Huckleberry Finn or Oliver Twist, and you likely also remember the recently passed Steve Jobs, founder of Apple. They all share a common characteristic about them. They were abandoned (“orphaned”) at some physical (and/or emotional) level by their parent(s) at a very young age. Orphans may also be actual children who are currently being abandoned at a level that triggers a primal cue about the need to survive alone.
The reasons for that abandonment and how these orphans became orphans are many - drug and alcohol abuse by the birth parents, poverty, a death, divorce or mental impairment. Abuse that is severe enough or constant, is experienced as abandonment by the child. Abandonment occurs when a parental figure is so preoccupied with himself or herself that the child is not nourished or oftentimes seen (or known) at all. The child receives a primal cue very early in life that he or she is not safe or protected in this world.
The child struggles to find himself or herself in the place where safety outside of the self has lessened or disappeared altogether. Fear and pain are present and need to be absorbed and changed into growth. That is the great challenge.
Each child needs an adult. If no one is present or the person(s) who are present (i.e. the birth parents) are inadequate at a deep nurturing level, the child reaches within. It is in that inner place, not named or perhaps consciously known, that the child does or does not find the strength to thrive.
Survival becomes the issue and answer to the primal cue received of the lack of safety and protection. The capacity to love oneself must be considered. The capacity to use whatever natural, inherited, genetic abilities latent at the core are used. The child needs guidance, and that guidance has to come from within, i.e. all of this happens unconsciously. The child reaches out for a teacher, a mentor, a guide - to anyone who can hold the thread. The child pulls on that thread and unwinds it, bringing it to the self. If the child is lucky, there is someone who responds. If not, and the child is able at the core, that “someone” has to come from within.
It is the core energy or force within the child that makes the difference. If the child has the capacity and that capacity is experienced, then there is hope. For the Orphan, there always needs to be hope. Hope is a state of mind and heart. It is energy that gives the child the ability to continue. That hope is born out of relationship and spirit. If the relationship is weak, the child turns to spirit. Spirit comes from within the child. Spirit is experienced and seen as energy. That energy moves the child along through life and creates in others a response so that the child is seen as attractive, welcoming, strong, able, loving, warm. Others then come close.
The Orphan reaches out. At the same time, the Orphan holds to the core. Trust is earned only after much time and always, the Orphan relies on self. The ability to rely on another is rare and easily pulled back.
The Orphan is seen as independent, capable and able to help others. That is true if the core self is strong enough. A strong core determines whether or not or how well the Orphan survives.
There are many well-known leaders, scientists, artists and writers who are orphans – we know of them because they learned to survive and thrive on their own in the world without the safety and protection that those with positive parental guidance and nourishment received. What most of us do not know is that they were orphans. Research studies over the the last 30-40 years on these orphans have discovered a link to genius based on receiving that primal cue early in life.
A client I have been working with exclaims happily, “Orphans Rule!” By that she means orphans continue in a strong and powerful life in spite of loss. They survive hardship at the basic child level. They know that within themselves there is a force that feeds them, that informs them, that is who they are. Yes, they wish or dream of parental support. They sometimes create mythical parents. They attach to surrogate parents. They listen to parental voices unheard outside dreams.
The Orphan is often highly creative. The creative is an expression of their core. Of their independence. Of their aloneness. They know that all relating is temporary though lovely, though wanted, though divine.
Their first and strong bond is with the self, out of the self and from that spot they can love and create and thrive, if they are lucky and if there is hope.
So this Thanksgiving, let us be thankful for The Orphans, those in this world who learned to thrive despite their circumstances and made this world richer with experience, creativity, genius and innovation for the rest of us.
